Thursday, February 16, 2012

You May Hate, but it Still Counts as Caring

A while back I was walking into a restaurant and someone I used to work with at one of my past jobs made a comment to me that got me thinking. When we stopped working together it was apparent there was some hostility. It has been some time since since my departure and it is apparent there is still some hostility on her side. On my side, I have nothing but common respect. Enough respect to acknowledge one's existence, smile and nod. On this day, I also gave a slight wave. She responded with the comment, all in one breath and one word, "Haveanicedaygofuckyourself." I kept smiling all the way to my table.

For a slight moment it caught shocked me, but only for a very, very slight moment. I sat down, looked at one of my dear friends and told him what she had said. He was surprised I responded, "I'm really not. I wouldn't expect anything less. Glad to see things haven't changed." And we shared a laugh. The conversation continued by analyzing the moment her and shared. After breakfast, I continued off and on replaying the moment in mind throughout the day.

As Yoda says, "Fear is the path to dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." And as a Buddhist I understand that suffering comes from a desire that isn't being satisfied. So I have to wonder what desire isn't being satisfied? Overall it doesn't really matter. It's none of my business, and it's not my battle to be fought. I found myself in a state of contemplation though. Normally I would meet this moment with some reaction, some defense, some act of retaliation that I would deem justifying and concluding, and ultimately stew about it for weeks. I didn't though. I just kinda giggled with appreciation that she still cared about me enough to make it known, that she still cares. In reality I feel I have to say thanks for caring. It makes me smile. I feel compassion for the fact that she feels hate, and I'm sorry she still feels that way, but it's still counts as caring.

You have to wonder if this person takes time out of their day to keep up with me. With some websites I'm a part of, Facebook, our website for the shop, or even this blog. She might even ask others if they have heard anything about me. I will admit that I like to hear stories about people from the past, but it does hurt my heart a little when I hear about bad things happening to people. I wish people the best and want people to be happy and fruitful in their endeavors. Maybe my former coworker just hasn't found the happiness she needs to forget me. If that's the case, I'm dreadfully sorry. Empathy runs deep and stings with a venom that burns the inner walls. I wish her the best with all her desires. I hope someday she can let go of whatever hurt she feels from whatever situation that may have caused that hurt.

I really appreciate moments like these for myself because it just reminds me of my own evolution. I used to get so angry, so violent, and so absurd really. I used to write the dumbest things and behave so over-dramatically. You can go all the way back to the beginning of this blog. Even just a year ago I was still so lost and confused that I lashed out. I use to make it a point to get the phrase, "go fuck yourself" in my blogs as much as I could. That wasn't the best way to handle my situation at the time. I was upset, hurt, and I felt it didn't matter and that phrase summed up what I was feeling quickly and to the point. So it's funny now having someone tell me the same thing. I don't think I've ever had someone say it to me and mean it. I suppose it would've had more of an impact on me a year ago.

I'm not the angry prick I used to be a year ago. I'm not going through all that confusion, anger, and disrespect like I was. I'm glad I'm learning from my mistakes and working on being a better person every day. I'm glad I have the appreciation I do; not only for positive things, but the negative things as well. I always say, "It's only drama if you allow it", and what that girl did that day was a beautiful thing. I commend her for expressing herself, not making a scene, and I appreciate myself and how I was able just to sit down, smile, and see the beauty in the eye of hate.

I desire peace, love, understanding, compassion, and zen. I had a conversation with my father last night about behaviors that would benefit running a business. I mentioned the classic phrase, "kill them with kindness" when it comes to a conflict. My question was, why do people have to "kill" with kindness when you can just be kind all the time. Most of all, be genuine about it. I feel the best way to treat someone you love is with kindness, and treat the ones that hate you with even more kindness. The other day was a little bump in my road reminding me to keep conscious of my present actions, because they may bite you in the future! Love, compassion, understanding, patience, empathy, kindness, generosity; all these things are very powerful, and much stronger than fear, anger, and hate. 

Something to keep in mind when crossing paths with the ones you dislike.

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